Monday, December 29, 2008


Where is a girl to start? I guess I will start with the horrible first and just go ahead and get it out of the way. On Friday December 12, 2008 I miscarried. This has not been an easy holiday for me. I wasn't sure if we would be able to handle another baby right now, but I was forming plans seeing problems and coming up with solutions and I was starting to feel better about it. I was really feeling like me and my hubby could do it. Apparently I was very wrong. I am really just going through the motions lately, and can cry at the drop of a hat, or just blank out. I took some time off from work. My boss and his wife just recently went through a miscarriage to so he was very understanding. I was only 9weeks. Everybody keeps saying what they think I need to hear and it honestly is pissing me off. I am angry that only my husband understands a little of what I feel and nobody else understands at all. I mean to me it's like I lost my child a death in the family I know it should not have been a funeral or anything , but I feel like I need some kind of closeure. Anywho, the good a while back I told everybody that my husband and I were going through a very hard situation that was causing a lot of problems in our family well it has finally been resolved. So that is one less headache for us both and for that I am truly thankful.

Okay now on to the BAD. I may just be trippin' it is possible, because I still have a lot of hormones running through my body. I just have this feeling that something is just not right we my hubby and I. I guess it could have something to do with the miscarriage, but we just aren't clicking and I don't know what to do to get "us" back.

Question of the day: Would you read a significant other's or spouses diary, and then get mad about some explicit things that your read?




Sylvia Hubbard said...

OMG!!! OMG!!!!

I won't even profess that i know what you're going through, but just the lost of a soul and the pain you must have endured makes me weep for you.

Hubby and you aren't clicking....hummmm....

Clicking sexually or just not connecting on an intimate level?

Sexually: it sounds like he's probably scared to approach the subject because of what you've been through

Intimately: the same reason

For both you probably need to do things that would strengthen the intimacy level between you to. If it's just holding each other, talking or doing things together that could help you with this.

Just a suggestion and I hope it helps

You are very much in my prayers love.

kisses from motown!

your author

Carmel Beauty said...

Thanks Sylvia,

I really haven’t been myself lately and I know it could be a lot of things I am just craving something right now from him and I really just don’t know what it is or how to tell him how to give it to me so we argue. Or he avoids me. He won't really talk about what happened and I just have this sense of failure like I did something wrong. I have researched the subject to DEATH even though I have known this was a possiablity since I had my angel. (I am the research queen, and I needed to know about everything that could or would happen or I would freak out) Anywho, I just needed to write cause I really don't know who to talk to about it.

Suprina said...

Carmel B: I truly had no idea you and your hubby were going through this kind of horror. But it so explains why I haven't been able to reach you via email. Answering email would be the last thing on my mind if I was going through something like this.

I'm so sorry this happened to you. I don't know why it happened, but I do know that you are still me and most of all by God.

I'm putting you and your hubby on my prayer list TODAY. And although I've never been through anything like this before myself, my daughter has and thus I understand the nature of your pain to some degree.

So let me share a bit of sage advice with you:

1. It's okay to grieve for your loss.

2. Know that everybody grieves differently, which means your hubby's silence might be his way of grieving. I was very silent and extremely dry-eyed after my mother passed. People thought I was crazy or worse, uncaring. I was neither.

That huge loss had simply made me emotionally mute for a while. Plus, I was scared that if I let myself feel too many emotions, cried too often, I would get overwhelmed and feel every horrible thing all at once...or worse NEVER stop crying.

So I grieved the only way I knew how (a little at a time) until I was ready to deal with the whole situation head-on.

3. You can initiate one type of closure by having a 'mock' or rather symbolic funeral for the baby. This is where you go to a peaceful room in your house (alone or with hubby), thank God for the time you had with the baby, and then symbolically/formally release that baby to God.

I had to do something like this when my daughter lost my first grandchild.

As usual, I hope that anything I've said has helped you today.

Much luv.


Barney said...

Oh Honey.. I have no words of comfort for you. Just know that you and your family are in my prayers.

I too was going to offer up the same advice that Saprina offered, Having a little ceremony... sometimes that's the best way to say your goodbyes and get some closure in your life.

God Bless

cinquetta said...

What I gather from your post you stated you might not be ready for a child. Sometimes ....sometimes GOD answer our prays, wishes or statements. In my point of view it you are feeling guilty and you shouldn't. Please don't take this statement in wrong way I AM NOT BELITTLE YOUR pain but miscarriage happen. It happen to me I was one month along I got this sharp stabbing pain. It happen so fast did not have time call for help. GOD do not give you no more than you can handle. He knows that you are strong determine caring woman. Don't let pain beat you into the ground. We all fall down but it takes some with a strong heart to get back up.
If you are blaming your husband don't talk to him. Better yet write him a letter how you are feeling and leave it somewhere he can find it. If that don't work read his darily. You cannot get mad or upset if you read something you don't like.
You are in my prays and good luck stay strong.

Charlotte said...

I don't think reading diaries is a good idea unless you're looking for proof he is cheating on you and want to end things, or something like that. It's just distrustful, I would feel very betrayed if my boyfriend/husband whatever read mine. You are not a failure, as others have said, it may just be his way of coping. I am very sorry to hear about your loss, and I hope things get better for you.

April said...

I'm kinda late getting to your blog, I'm sorry. I'm even more sorry for your loss.

In my opinion, that could be part of the reason why you and your husband aren't clicking. That's a very emotional thing and since people grieve differently, maybe it's what's keeping you guys off balance. Hopefully since this was written a while ago, things are better now. If not, I'll say a prayer for you.

I wouldn't read my s/o's diary to begin with. But if I did, it would be hard not to get mad. Not saying that it's OK or right for the person to be mad, but I'm saying that he probably can't help it.

I recently accidentally found something of my boyfriends that was something personal of his. I was a little hurt that he was hiding something from me (which it wasn't that big of a deal) but he feels better that I know so he doesn't have to hide it anymore. But it was really really hard for me not to get mad. I tried not to show any anger and I think I did a good job. Because it's not right for me to be mad at something that wasn't even my business to be begin with. Does that make sense?